dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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