Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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