I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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