im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
