someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
