3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
