Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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