the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
