Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize