how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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