how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
