Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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