No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
