Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There's always time for handjobs
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
