the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
