If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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