She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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