Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
