Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
