Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
