as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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