He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
