Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
