if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We named our party play list daddy issues
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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