I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
