I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
