Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
