That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize