God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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