The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
