fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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