my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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