Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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