Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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