you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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