The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
