I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
