Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
