3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
