I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
