i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
