I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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