shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
