I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
