I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
im on a boat
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