The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
