I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
