I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
