if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
