her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
