I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize