He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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