Will you blow on my dice?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
