I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
