he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
