I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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