just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
