I just saw a hot homeless man
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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