My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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