Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
