Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
