I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
