I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i think i just lost a toe
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
